He's a serious mister
Shake his hand and he'll twist your arm
With Monopoly money
We'll be buying the funny farm
So I'll do flips
And get paid in chips
From a diamond as big as the Ritz
Then I'm calling it quits
Calling it quits

Eyes the color of candy
Lies to cover the handicap
And though your slippers are ruby
You'll be led to the booby trap
Well, there's no prize
Just a smaller size
So I'm wearing the shoe until it fits
Then I'm calling it quits
Calling it quits

Now he's numbering himself among the master minds
(Calling it quits)
'Cause he's hit upon the leverage of valentines
(Calling it quits)
Lifting dialogue from Judy Garland story lines
Where get-tough-girls turn into gold mines

And oh those Polaroid babies
Taking chances with rabies
Happy to tear me to bits
Well I'm calling it quits
Calling it quits