E [Verse 1] E F# But I don't believe in ghosts or anything, I know that you are gone and that I'm carrying G#m some version of you around F# G#m Some untrustworthy old description in my memories E F# G#m And that must be your ghost taking form, created every moment by me dreaming you so F# G#m F# G#m And is it my job now to hold whatever's left of you for all time? And to re-enact you for our daughter's life? [Verse 2] F# G#m E F# I do remember when I was a kid and realized that life ends and is just over; that a point comes G#m where we no longer get to say or do anything F# G#m And then what? I guess just forgotten E F# And I said to my mom that I hoped to do something important with my life G#m F# G#m Not be famous, but just remembered a little more, to echo beyond my actual end E F# G#m And my mom laughed at this kid trying to wriggle his way out of mortality, of the final inescapable feral scream F# G#m But I held that hope and grew up wondering what dying means F# G#m Unsatisfied, ambitious and squirming [Verse 3] F# G#m The first dead body I ever saw in real life, was my great-grandfather's E F# Embalmed in a casket in Everett, in a room by the freeway G#m Where they talked me into reading a thing from the Bible About walking through a valley in the shadow of death G#m E F# But I didn't understand the words, I thought of actually walking through a valley in a shadow, G#m with a backpack and a tent F# E But that dead body next to me spoke clear and metaphor-free [Verse 4] G#m E F# In December 2001 after having spent the summer and fall traveling mostly alone around G#m F G#m The country that was spiraling into war and mania, little flags were everywhere G#m E F# I was living on the periphery as a twenty-three-year-old wrapped up in doing what I wanted G#m And it was music and painting on newsprint E And eating all the fruit from the tree like Tarzan, or Walt Whitman F# G#m Voracious, devouring life, singing my songs F# G#m Sleeping in yards without asking permission [Verse 5] F# G#m But that December I was shaken by a pregnancy scare E F# G#m From someone that I'd been with for only one night, many states away, who I hadn't planned to keep knowing F# G#m A young and embarrassing over-confident animal night G#m E F# And the terror of the idea of fatherhood at twenty-three destroyed my foundation, and left me freaked out and G#m F# G#m wandering around mourning the independence and solitude that defined me then [Verse 6] E Though my life is a galaxy of subtleties F# G#m My complex intentions and aspirations do not matter at all F# G#m In the face of the crushing flow of actual time E I saw my ancestors as sad and misunderstood in the same way F# G#m That my descendants will squint back through a fog trying to see F# G#m Some polluted version of all I meant to be in life E F# G#m Their recollections pruned by the accidents of time, what got thrown away, and what gets talked about at night F# G#m But she had her period eventually and I went back to being twenty-three [Verse 7] E F# G#m Eleven years later I was traveling alone again on an airplane from New Zealand to Perth, Western Australia F# G#m Very alone, so far away from you and the home that we had made E F# G#m I watched a movie on the plane about Jack Kerouac, a documentary going deeper than the usual congratulations F# G#m They interviewed his daughter, Jan Kerouac, and she tore through the history E She told about this deadbeat drinking, watching Three Stooges on TV F# G#m F# G#m Not acknowledging his paternity, abandoning the child, taking cowardly refuge in his self-mythology [Verse 8] E F# And when she spoke I heard your voice telling me about the adults who had abandoned you as a sweet kid G#m and left you to grow precariously F# G#m And when she spoke I looked in her face and saw you looking back at me E On a tiny airplane seat screen at the bottom of the world F# G#m I saw a French-Canadian resemblance, and I heard suffering echoing F# G#m A lineage of bad parents and strong daughters withstanding E F# And she had black hair and freckles and pale skin just like you, and she told the hard truth and G#m slayed the gods just like you F# G#m I saw the cracks in the façade of posterity F# E I missed you so I went home [Verse 9] G#m E The second dead body I ever saw was you, Geneviève F# G#m When I watched you turn from alive to dead, right here in our house E F# And I looked around the room and asked “Are you here?”, and you weren't, and you are not here, G#m I sing to you though E F# I keep you breathing through my lungs in a constant, uncomfortable stream of memories trailing out G#m until I am dead too E And then eventually the people who remember me will also die F# G#m Containing what it was like to stand in the same air with me, and breathe and wonder why [Outro] F# And then distortion G#m And then the silence of space F# The Night Palace G#m The ocean blurring F# But in my tears right now Esus2 Light gleams
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